By Bonnie on Tuesday, May 01, 2001 - 05:27 pm:

Just suddenly want to share with other
people on this site. I used to have a
very happy relationship with my boyfriend.
After I got my back injury last year, our
relationship started to go downward. I
just broke up with him last Saturday since
he keeps complaining that we cannot do
anything together. My back pain would not
allow me to go to movies and play badmintons
that we used to do together. I felt bad!
I cannot withstand listening to his
complaints all the time, so I suggest we
break up. He happily agrees with it. I
guess he is very tired being with a person
like me.

Thanks for reading,

Bonnie

By MichelleT on Tuesday, May 01, 2001 - 08:10 pm:

Bonnie,
I understand.
My husband and I used to run together and work out together. Now, I'm in pain so much I don't feel like doing stuff anymore. He tries to encourage me to do physical activity with him, but I just don't feel the way I used to. I'm very fortunate that he still puts up with me.
I hope you meet someone who understands your situation and will accept you the way you are.

By Gwen on Wednesday, May 02, 2001 - 03:39 pm:

Bonnie, there are decent men who understand that chronic disabilities will affect your relationship, who will accept it and be there to support you. I know because I married one. He puts up with broken nights sleep, lack of sexual relationships, my bad moods and having to take on extra jobs around the house when I feel too ill. No, he's not an angel, he has his faults like any other man, but he does try to understand what I'm going through with my joint problems and accepts my limitations.
So hang in there and you'll find the right person. Don't devalue yourself because you have a disability and accept anything less than you deserve, which is always the very best!
Gentle hugs

By Bonnie on Wednesday, May 02, 2001 - 07:22 pm:

Michelle and Gwen,

Thank you for your encouragement. I hope
that I can find a supportive man as your
husbands in the future.

Bonnie

By Emma on Thursday, May 03, 2001 - 04:34 am:

Bonnie,

I had the same with my boyfriend last year, I kept think he didn't understand and wouldn't accept what was wrong with me. On speaking to my mum & stepdad, (my mum has it too) they explained that it's not that he doesn't care/ understand, just doesn't want to believe what has happened to you, or accept it. And having that great big thing called MALE PRIDE, doesn't want to accept there is nothing he can do to help. (That's what upsets my boyfriend's that he cant do much to help me when I am in extreme pain).

It helped him understand a bit more when I saw the specialist (Prof Graham), he came with me. From then onwards he started to realise how much little things can put me out for weeks, even just cleaning the bath.

If you do ever get back together, try to know it will be almost as hard for him to accept as you. If not I wish you all the success in finding someone new, who can understand. But try to be a little patient with those who don't.

kind wishes

By Johanna on Saturday, May 05, 2001 - 05:11 am:

Hi Bonnie,

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up over my hypermobility too. We tried for a long time but he could not accept that, because of my disability, I can not do whatever I want whenever I want. And I could not accept that he kept complaining and blaming me instead of supporting me. I felt really bad for a while. But now I see how much of a relief it is. I don't have to apologise for my disability anymore. Plus, now I see how he always made me cross my limits when I was trying to keep up with him, with lots of pain and damage to my joints as a result. I also decided not to blame him for not accepting my disability. I still find it weak of him, but I remember the struggle it took me before I could accept my limitations. I had to win this struggle because for me there was no way to escape it, for him there was a way and he decided to go that way.
I am confident I will, in time, find someone else. Someone who can learn to accept me the way I am, including the lifestyle HMS forces on me.
Bonnie, I don't know your age, I figure you are still quite young, as I am. It seems to me that a lot of men do not learn to apreciate things about a relationship other than doing fun stuff together untill they reach a certain age. I wish you all the strenght you need to get trough this period.

Johanna

By Bonnie on Saturday, May 05, 2001 - 09:01 am:

Johanna,

I completely agree with you that it is really
hard to keep up with his pace. For example,
I went to his home to have dinner, so I will
push the chair to the table slowly. He thinks
it is so embarrassing not to be able to lift
the chair. All I know lifting that chair
will injure my back again. I try to be a
best girlfriend and do whatever I can. But
there is a limitation because of my health.

Even though I am kind of bored staying at
home all the time, I don't feel so bad about
myself. I don't feel that I am useless and
just a burden to him. I feel release somehow.

I am pretty young, 26 years old. I hope that
my back can recover and live a more normal
life. I am going back to work next week so
that I can feel more useful.

Thanks,

Bonnie

By Jane on Monday, May 07, 2001 - 08:17 pm:

I feel like I'm constantly in search of ways to explain to friends and boyfriends -- anyone who doesn't have experience with a chronic disorder -- what it's like. I sometimes wish it was a more visible disorder, because it's so hard for people to understand that even though I look fine, most of my joints are busted and will never get well again. I feel like I usually run up against one of two problems -- the pride thing, like Emma said, where people just can't accept that they can't help me. And I get so frustrated with people giving advice that they've just thought of, like, "If your feet hurt, you probably shouldn't walk so much." Thanks, guys! And then there's the people who want me to get over it, and who get annoyed that yes, yet again I've hurt myself doing something like walking down the stairs, and they have to wait while I put my body in place again. But there are those rare gems who don't expect me to be anything but myself -- who are patient when I hurt, and do what they can to help without getting overbearing and lecturing me. Anyway, good luck to everyone finding the people who can take the time to listen and understand.

By Karin on Thursday, May 17, 2001 - 05:58 pm:

Hello to all!
Like most of those who are reading here, It all sounds too familiar!! More than likely I'm older than most on this bboard.I just want to tell you youngsters that there really are good kind and understanding men out there!! I know because I found one. Don't get me wrong I't took quite some time but what relationship does'nt???????
I'm blessed with a partner in life that would rather have ME feeling as well as possible than the dishes done on time. I hold nothing back as far as my condition is concerned and had to learn the words "I CAN'T" it worked for me. Eric and I plan to be married this summer (without too much standing of course) and are as happy as pigs in
you know what.
May you all find that much Peace in life
Karin